Monday, February 11, 2013

Will you be my Valentine? Some advice from Dr Love himself (explicit)

Valentine's day is coming up and that means I need to invest in Hershey's,, Tiffany's, antidepressant companies, Kleenex, and distilleries. To be honest, I am not huge fan of this odd Halmark Holiday. In fact, it may be my least favorite holiday, ranking somewhere between Columbus Day and Talk Like A Pirate Day. It is nice to have a holiday in the middle of winter, but in my opinion, it just makes the most depressing month even more depressing. Thank goodness its the shortest month!

Triathletes in particular seem to struggle with this holiday more than the average Joe. Let's be honest, we are usually not the most romantic of people. We spend countless hours away from our loved one while training and by the time we are done we do not have much energy left for an "extra workout" if you catch my meaning. (For the record though, there is no evidence that links cycling saddles to testicular cancer or ED). At heart, though, we are hopelessly romantic. We do like long "walks" on the beaches (at 6 min/mile pace) having done an open water 2.4 mile swim before. We also enjoy candle light dinners at 5:30 in the afternoon. Our endurance, too, is like no other; we can literally can go all night doing an Ironman. We just need some help expressing that firry passion.

I, Dr. Love himself, is here to help. I may not have my degree from an accredited, medical institution nor have I won Kona or Vegas, but I do know the lyrics to the majority of Usher, Marvin Gay, Tyrese, Genuwine, and J. Holiday songs, have watched the Notebook and Titanic too many times to count, am a loyal subscriber to Men's Health and Cosmo,  and can recite lines from Pride and Prejudice by heart, all of which makes me better than Dr. Phil I think (except the mustache. He has me beat there).

Below I have compiled some great thoughts on how to woo your loved one this February 14th. These are solid gold and are guaranteed to have her falling for you harder than Leo for Kate.

Some good pick up lines to make her Garmin Heart rate monitor to go haywire:

  1. As she is riding her bike in the aeroposition on the trainer, point to her elbow and say "Girl, are you at 90 degrees? Because to you look right to me" 
  2. "Don't worry dear, you can wash your tri shorts on my my wash board abs"
  3. "I will draft off you anytime. I love the view" 
  4. "You have some really nice breast stroke times"
  5. Tell her that she is sweeter than honey stinger waffles.
  6. "You make my heart rate jump to zone 4." 
  7. "Girl, you don't need a dictionary because your body is already too defined."
Some gift ideas:
  1. Instead of a box of chocolates, get her a box of Powerbar Chocolate Outrage gels. That will really get her going and keep her energized all night long!
  2. Cannot afford a diamond ring? Sign up for the "Diamond in the Rough Triathlon.
  3. No need for champagne when you have Nuun and Hammer Fizz. Perfect for setting the mood 
  4. Massage oils are overrated. Use DZ Nutz and body glide instead. Its softer on the sensitive areas too
  5. Strawberries and Raspberries are out of season, and the ones you can get are tasteless or moldy. So get some strawberry Clif blocks dipped in chocolate gel or go for the Gu Roctane Chocolate Raspberry. I think both are aphrodisiacs 
  6. Forget the Viagra, Powerbar Perform will keep you hydrated and performing until the wee hours of the night and your morning swim practice
  7. Victoria Secret is not as sexy as compression tights
  8. KSwiss shoes: Every Kiss begins with KSwiss and they also invented the Kwicky
Dating advice:

  1. Go get your legs (or full body) waxed together
  2. Rent a tandem bike and go for a ride.  
  3. Ditch the foam roller for the night and give her a real massage 

Hopefully this post will help you bring out your romantic side this Valentine's Day and not leave you single (like me).

Speaking of which, if there are any single ladies in the DC area who need/want a date this Valentine's day drop me a message. I promise we a) do not have to eat at 5:30 b) have to turn in early because of morning practice c) do anything athletic (unless you want to of course). Believe it or not, I do have a life and personality outside of triathlon.

I promise to come up with a more stimulating post next time.  

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