The weight of weight

I weigh myself daily. Why? I am not exactly sure. I have done so for the past 10 years. I remember when my grandmother passed away, my mother asked me what I would like from her house. I immediately said, "Her scale." You can see a) where and from which genes I got my obsession and b) how obsessed I was from an early age with body image. 

Currently I have a pretty high tech scale that spits out my weight, body fat percentage, hydration, muscle mass, and most likely my horoscope and the odds on the Redskins' game (that last one is easy since they always lose). At this point in my recovery it's a force of habit rather than an actual need. 

It fluctuates more than the stock market 

What is different now from when I was struggling with my ED is that while I still weigh myself, I make sure that the numbers do not affect my mood, actions, or thoughts.  After all, they are just numbers and, in reality, how your body is interacting with gravity on that day.

People, doctors, health care "professionals," and insurance companies obsess about weight and the number on the scale, and for understandable reasons. There is a strong correlation between health and weight, but honestly, one's weight is just one piece of the health jigsaw puzzle. The number leaves a lot out. It does not show body fat percentage, which is a better indicator of health, gut health, mental well being, muscle mass, or, most importantly, psychological peace. 

What I am currently struggling with is what weight is the best for me? While I am heavier now than I have ever been, I am also healthier and happier, which are definitely important. I am not sure though whether I am faster now than I was. Moreover, will I be faster at an even heavier weight? (I have no idea honestly but would love to hear your thoughts)

The best weight is the weight that optimizes your well being both mentally and physically. The same applies to race weight--the weight at which you perform best. If you are too light, you will fade too quickly and if you do finish then you cannot recover as quickly to race again. If you weigh too much (both fat and muscle), though, the extra pounds will slow you down. 

Weight also affects psychological health. If your weight is too low OR too high (interestingly both sides of the bell curve have similar symptoms), you will feel miserable, tired, cranky, etc. 

The number can be approximated by matching it with power to weight ratio numbers and body composition numbers. However, the only way to know your race weight is to experiment with different weights and find the one at which you race the fastest and recover equally well.

All of the numbers though mean NOTHING if you do not have the psyche to back it up. I could be at my "ideal" weight with ideal power numbers and ideal body composition, but if my mind, drive and motivation are not there, then it is meaningless. Those things out weigh any numbers from the scale....but that's just my two watts...

My Jewish Grandma

I think I have either Catholic or Jewish genes somewhere in my genome because I have a huge guilt complex especially when it comes to food and training.

If I eat a food I "should not" indulge in or skip a workout that I know I "should do," then I feel guilty. It does not stop there though. I continue to beat myself up sometimes for hours (maybe even days) after.

"Why the Hell did you eat that, Chris? Now you are going to get fat and slow..."

"You know, Chris. You should have really done that workout. Now you going to get fat and slow..."

Sound familiar? That little Jewish grandmother in my head has quite a critical eye.

I have to admit that my Bubbe is a pretty good inhibitor. Whenever I feel like I should reach for that doughnut in the teachers' lounge or that diet coke, my sweet little Bubbe will say "Now Christopher, you know what that will do your swim times. Oy!" So I remove my hand as if it had been slapped.

Honestly though, I do not like my Bubbe. I feel like food regardless of health should never make you feel guilty. Food is not inherently guilty or virtuous. It is we who assign these labels--labels that are completely subjective and arbitrary. As a side note, foods labeled as guilt free are already guilt free (ironically, it are these food that are labeled that we should be most careful of).

As we head into the Thanksgiving Holiday, I am trying to silence my Bubbe even though she is "family." If I eat something(s) that I know are not the greatest for me then that will be alright. I should not ruminate upon them but rather savor them. If I decide to refrain from eating something it will not be because my Bubbe told me not to or because of guilt but rather because it does not make me feel optimal. And on Thanksgiving, I want to be optimal since that feeling is something to be thankful for...but that's just my two watts.

We are going to pump you up!

As I mentioned before in a previous post, this pre-season (a better name than off season), I am focusing a lot of time and energy on strength. Whether it is doing butterfly in the pool (I look more like I am twerking), doing hill repeats on the bike, or starting to trail run, my schedule emphasizes gaining muscle and making body and mind strong (insert: like bull).

Got a little too wild and crazy at a party...

This focus is essential for a good season next year. With my runner's build, it is hard for me to keep up with the big boys on the bike and my races suffer because of it. While I can put out a 4.0 watt/kg HIM race output, it is only a 240 watts compared to everyone else who can do much much more. Consequently, I have been proverbially hitting the weights to improve this deficit.

Going to the weight room is a little intimidating to be honest. At my gym in "Snottsdale," there are athlete whose biceps are the size of my waist. I walked past one person yesterday who had my body weight just on one side of bar. There are women whose diamond rings may weigh more than the dumbbell. Some are made of more plastic than the Barbie Doll that they are trying to look like. There are the high school athletes with full beards. Then there is little pipe arm me feeling like a mix between Spongebob:

  

And Homer Simpson: 

I have always enjoyed weight lifting in the past. I find it an awesome switch up from my normal swim/bike/run routine. It has also been a struggle for me mentally to do because of a deep dark, still ingrained fear that I am going to gain weight. 

Then I had one of those "Duoh! What have I been thinking? Of course!" moments this past week. As I stepped on the scale, it occurred to me that I actually want my weight to go up. Say WHAT?! Yep you read correctly: up. 

My "Health" score compliments of my gym

If the number on the scale goes down then that means my body is

sacrificing muscle. I am so lean right now at 3% body fat that any significant decrease on the scale most likely is a canniblization of muscle, the exact opposite of what I want. I have hit rock bottom or to paraphrase Drake, I am starting from the bottom and hopefully will get there.  

Talk about a 180 degree reversal of thinking! 

I am still struggling with my fear that if the number does go up then my run will suffer. My run has always been my strength  but will it continue to be, if I gain 10 more muscle mass like I am supposed to?

Since September of last year I have gained 10 lbs of muscle going from 125 to 135, and while I have not really improved per se in my races, I would say I am healthier and happier overall. I am recovering better from workouts, am sick less often, and most likely have better thyroid function.  

The only way to know though is to take the leap and hope for the best. Looking at the "data" out in the real world, there are plenty of triathletes who have raced 2:50 Ironman marathon splits while being 140-160 lbs but not many that are 135 except some select women.

Just because I am weight lifting does not mean that I am going to look like the 'roided up guys around me. Strength is not about size it is about how many neurons connected to your muscles can be recruited and utilized multiple times with the same force over the course of (hopefully in my case next year) 9 hours and 30 minutes or less. It is also about holding your form over the course of training without breaking down and keeping you injury free all season long...but that is just my two watts.

What are your thoughts? Do you follow a specific lifting/strength program? Has it helped? If so how? Leave your thoughts and comments bellow, I would love to hear them.

The F word

I have a confession: sometimes when I walk down the street, shop at the grocery store, or am biking around Phoenix and I see a person who is obviously overweight, I immediately think to myself: "Wow, that person is F-A-T!" I am ashamed to admit it even if that person really is overweight. 

Should we call these people out on their weight? What should we think about them? Should we judge them and say: "Why can't they just loose weight?" If we see them in the grocery store and judge them for what they put into their cart. "You really should not be eating those chips or drinking that cola." Maybe we should go up to them and say "You should really lose some weight" or give them diet advice. Even if we do not say it, are thoughts just as bad as actions? 

As a person who was teased for the majority of his elementary school and all of his middle school years for being fat, I feel ashamed to think the same thoughts that my bullies thought when they saw me. 

The thing that bothers me with these thoughts are that they are so automatic for me and society in general. Pictures of fat people on Facebook continue to pop up, and the reaction is usually mixed.  For example, back in the summer, the above picture of a man falling off his automatic scooter as he reaches for a pack of soda made the rounds on Facebook and the inter webs. 

Comments were all over the place from "What a loser" to "What has America become" to "He[?] is so pathetic" and finally "Why doesn't he lose some f-ing weight!"

Honestly I did not know what to think when I saw this picture. My emotions were mixed and torn between "Wow, I am glad I am not like that" to "I hope he is alright." 

I thought about my reaction to these situations and I realized why they occur. For me, I think that they pop up so automatically because seeing those pictures or people makes me feel insecure about myself. I am still afraid of becoming like that or like them, that I put up this wall of humor and ridicule to separate myself from that pain as much as possible. I create an illusionary "self." They are different from me; I am somehow better than they are. Both of these statements are obviously not true.

They suffer just like I do. They have feelings just like I do, so instead of seeing their differences, I should greet them with compassion and an open heart. That is all I can do to help them. Criticizing whether in my own mind or to their face does nothing but build walls between me and them and inflates an artificial ego.  

My initial reaction of disgust is not the problem until I begin to nurse and entertain these thoughts further instead of simply letting them go. Hopefully in time and with mindful practice, I will eliminate my own fears of being overweight and with them, these thoughts. Then, I can remove at least that F word from my vocabulary. The other f word is entirely fair game though...but thats just my two watts. 

I would love to hear your comments on this, so message me, leave them on facebook, twitter, or below. 

Putting Life into Living

One of my favorite podcasts is Vinnie Tortorich's "The Angriest Trainer Podcast." Whether you are low carb/ high fat, No Sugar, No Grains (NSNG), vegan, vegan curious, fruitarian, or a flexitarian, this podcast is worth a listen. In addition to some great Rocky quotes, I  always get at least one bit of interesting info (either health related or something completely different) and of course a good laugh. While Vinnie touts the importance of a NSNG diet, he frequently uses his tag line "put life into living and do it with enthusiasm." Many interpret this as that it is alright to sometimes break the NSNG (or dietary) "restrictions"*** and have a treat for a special occasion like a birthday party or celebration. After all, to quote Vinnie once more

"It's not what you eat between Christmas and New Years. It is what you eat between New Years and Christmas."

Bottoms up and lights out

I am not sure if I take this interpretation though. I put life into living in a different way. Yes, food and libations enrich life and experiences, but they can also take away.
 For example, if I am at a bar or party and I have a drink, I am out for the night. Some people get happy when they drink, others get touchy-feely, and others get mad. I am what they call a tired drunk. A few sips and I need to go to bed. Needless to say, I have the tolerance of a high school cheerleader on Prozac; even Diet Coke gives me a buzz. If I put life into living with a drink, consequently, I actually enjoy life less than if I had refrained and stuck with my typical lifestyle. These moments of life into living set me back so much they are not worth having.

In the same way, if I have a piece of candy, a soy latte, or sweets, I feel disgusting afterwards.It may taste good for five seconds, but for the next five hours, Willy Wonka gets his revenge ("Augustus leave some for later"). I am craving those sweets long after the enjoyment has worn off. It's all that I can think about. Then I get really cranky, tired, and hungry--hungry enough to even go dumpster diving. I pretty much turn into Oscar the Grouch.  Is that living? No.

Indulgent food and drink are enjoyable. They taste good, they make us feel good, and we do not get called out at parties for being the odd ball who orders soda water and raw vegetables. In my opinion though (this phrase is critical because everyone is different),  the social event would be more enjoyable for the experience itself and the memory rather than the food or drink. 20 years from now I will remember having a blast, but chances are I will not remember what I ate or drank.


I put life into living by putting my energy into the experience itself and enjoying every single moment with a clear mind and not one that is in a brain fog from what I have eaten or drunk. Moreover, I enjoy living by having a clear memory of what has happened and no guilt, remorse, or regrets about what I did. Some (bless them) can still have a great time despite having drunken lots or eaten lots; their lives continue as normal if not better. Unfortunately, I am not one of them, but that is alright.


One of the problems and indicators of an eating disorder is avoiding social situations because of the fear of food or eating in public. I did this all the time. I would feign sickness to avoid parties where I would not be able to control the food being served. When people would ask me out for dinner and I did not know what was going to be on the menu I would stay home and "enjoy"  a calorie restricted meal (emmmm lean pockets) instead. Hardly what I call living. Now I jump on the opportunity to go out regardless of what food is there; food should and will not dictate whether I go out or not. What crosses my mind instead is "will this be a fun time?" If there is food that I want to eat there then I will eat it but that is not the main focus. I may eat before I go out or bring my own, so that it does not become an issue and I can enjoy myself to the fullest.

Creating those experiences is what I call living and I am going to do it with enthusiasm....but that's just my two watts.

How do you put life into living? 

***(I am not big on this word because as I mentioned in my previous post, my changes in diet have liberated me from the restrictions of fatigue, brain fog, and cravings) 

My solution to the triathlete's body paradox

Like the majority of the triathlon community I was "glued" to Kona coverage the other day. Since I cannot watch races without getting anxious to train myself, I had a friend message me updates as I rode my bike and dreamed of being there myself.  It was one inspiring race.

Also like the majority of the triathlon community, I have the pipe dream of getting to the big island one day and competing with the best. However, I do not just want to participate, I want to really compete. The Europeans, the Aussies, and the Kiwis, have dominated the podium for too long and one of my dreams is to bring back some American presence. It is definitely a far flung and crazy dream, but we can all dream, can't we?

I know already it is going to take a boat load of work, preparation and literally years of training before I can even fathom not only getting there but being able to post those crazy fast times. With that said the gauntlet has been thrown down, the challenge has been made, and I pity the fool (or mental demon) who tries to stand in my way.  Kona 2024!

Alas I digress and now back to more important matters...

Rockin' the W! 

What I actually found more interesting than the race itself was the festivities surrounding the race most prominently the underpants run. For those who do not know, every year, competitors and spectators alike run down the main street in virtually nothing but flashy underwear/multi colored fig leaves. Usually this would raise eyebrows and cause gag reflexes, but those running are world class athletes so their bodies are ripped (for the most part). I am talking about Men's Health and Fitness magazine shape but with no airbrushing. All natural, which is even more amazing! I did not even have to be there to feel self-conscious; the facebook posts were enough to make me feel uncomfortable and start doing crunches on the floor.

Now fast forward to the finish line. The winners of the race were not the ones who had the greatest bodies. They did not have ripped six packs nor a v shaped torso nor sub 5% body fat. They actually looked fairly normal. Don't get me wrong here. Van Lierde who won is one of the the fittest men in the world!

Photo by Nils Nilsen via Ironman.com

It makes you-well at least it makes me--wonder is it possible to have an awesome body and still race incredibly, pro-level fast? Moreover, which would you rather have? The body or the speed? Its a paradox.

I think it is possible to have both but not by doing crunches or training 30 hours a week. That strength pales in comparison to developing mental strength. If your mind is strong and comfortable in your body perception, then both the body and the speed will come, but that is just my two watts.

So Rich Roll, Kanye West, and the Buddha walk into a bar,

One of my favorite songs is Kanye West's "Jesus Walks," especially because of the opening lines:

"We at war with terrorism, racism, and most of all we at war with ourselves..." 

A lot of people are at war with themselves. They do not love themselves nor respect themselves and as a result they do not care for themselves as they should. Even people (maybe even especially people) who have lots of success--you know the type: the ones who look practically perfect with the six pack abs and the v shaped torso, the expensive car, the trophy case, the expensive bike--- I am not sure whether they love themselves or not. Some of them may, which is great and I would love to see more of them like that, but the more glitz and glamor a person has, the more I question because, honestly, I was once one of them.

Back in the day (and periodically now and then) I hated the way I looked, so I literally declared chemical warfare on my own body. Armed with Splenda packets, diet coke, cereal, soy, and all the "fat free" products I could find. All the chemicals and unnatural (the only thing "natural" about them were the labels that said they were) in these foods nuked my gut, adrenals and body.

But doing this, only made me hate myself more. The more I found flaws in myself whether on the scale or on the cross country course, the more I had to hate myself, and the more wars I fought. Finally my inner conscious had to throw up a white flag of truce. I was getting no where but worse. The numbers on the scale were definitely lower, but so was everything else in my life. I was tired the majority of the day, I was irritable, and cranky, and my performance was suffering. All because I was uncomfortable in my own skin.  

To paraphrase the Buddha, unless you love yourself, are comfortable in your own skin, and confident in the natural gifts you posses in the present moment, you will go no where in training and more importantly in life.

Let say I did get hit that magical number on the scale, or the ideal power output, or that killer PR in my next HIM. What is it worth if I do not love the life that got me there. I will continue to chase the next thing, then the next thing, and so on.

However, if I feel truly am confident and loving with my body, the end does not become the objective. Rather the journey does, and just based on time, the majority of life is the journey with only a few seconds or milliseconds of "finish." (this is debatable since there really is not ends, just points along the way but I do not want to get all hippy-dippy, eastern philosopher on your ass now so I will leave that for another post).  

Fast forward 1500 years from Buddha to Rich Roll, who also put a similar message in his recent newsletter:

Now that is deep...but thats just my two watts.